I trust that everything and everyone that show up in my life, for as long as they do, are here to give me a gift, to aid in my growth, to show me what I have to heal. I trust that I am complete, I am whole on my own, that I have a purpose and it is all connected to love and compassion. I trust that I will speak my truths as well as I can at the level of consciousness I am at at any given time and that no path is invalid, no experience unworthy of attention and no part of myself or others unworthy of love and acceptance. I believe that people are our mirrors and no one can force anyone to grow within and take responsibility for their lives and that is ok. I see life as a series of letting goes and with each letting go of things that don’t serve me anymore, I grow and am more present here and now, fully immersed into the beauty of each moment in the presence of another or not, fully aware I am. And with each letting go, I create space for that experience and that someone who can meet me where I am at, truthfully and authentically.

I saw the light or it saw me.
Who knows?
Today the Universe grabbed the sides of my mouth
And dragged them back into a huge smile
It was out of my control
And I enjoyed every minute of it
Without an apparent reason
I remembered who I am
And gracefully I invited life
To this magical celebration.

I made it through a wave of despair.
It came after days of fear based thoughts
Invading
I was in the middle of a bee hive
Being stung day in and day out
Despair showed up just when lines of ending it all
Showed their faces into mine
Despair said “Bottom. Go to the bottom. Now. I invite you there.”
So I went.
I got the pain out, saw it, sensed it
And just when I thought it was over
I heard despair “I will see you next time.
We are not done. The bottom is further down.”

Guilt didn’t kill me. I came out alive.
Guilt came along yesteday
Actually I invited it in
It was knocking on my door for quite a while now
Guilt said “You did this. You coward. You left them.”
And I said “thank you guilt for telling me the thoughts”
Guilt pushed against my chest
And grabbed my throat to throw my head under the water
I could barely breathe but I let it do it anyway
“You did this. You did it consciously and then hid away from me.”
And I knew that was Guilt’s truth and I said
“I trust that this is real and valid. I am aware that is an experience I hid away from. I trust you will do with this body what you need to and I will bare witness to it all. Bring it all. I am ready now. I can see you now.”
And guilt swirled around, tensed the upper side of the body
As if it was being punched and in deep pain.
Stiffness, lack of tears, no forgiveness just Guilt storming inside heavily.
Time passed and something broke, there was a rawness in the chest
As if the skin was peeled off along with other layers
And the heart was out in the open.
Silence came and Guilt said thank you.
So thank you.

I let go of my mother
I let go of my grandparents
I let go of first love and all lovers to follow
I let go of children
I let go of cats
I let go of plants
I let go of this and that, always someone else to follow in line
So I let go of judgements and expectations
I let go of assumptions and beliefs
I let go of attachments and victimization
I let go of energy that does not serve my highest good
I let go of the past and heal
I let go of the future and come back to Now
I let go of myself every time I grow
I let go of Laura
I let go of who I think I am
To embrace who I am to become.
And ask the Universe to not need to let go of you when you arrive.

You know what?
I choose the sun. I choose love and compassion. I choose forgiveness. I choose healing and transformation. I choose pleasure, affection and sexual energy. I choose health and boundaries. I choose beauty and joy. I choose presence, awareness, consciousness. I choose truth and honesty. I choose clarity and peace of mind. I choose strength and vulnerability. I choose support and being of service. I choose life, health, possibilities and abundance. I choose unstoppableness and limitlessness. I choose spirit and humanness. I choose intuition and growth. I choose gratitude.

After all, what could I wish for those with whom I journeyed together and life said we must go our separate ways? I wish them to find someone who is better for them than I was. I wish for them to find peace of mind and clarity, love and joy, healing and possibilities. I wish for them to stay present, grow and embrace who they really are beyond stories, ego, wounds and layers they had to put on to survive. I wish they don’t just survive but live, suspending judgments and victimization, seeing their true nature and be surrounded by those who support them for their highest good.

I appreciate and am deeply grateful for each person I journeyed with, who has been my mirror and led me towards shedding layers to more easily bring forth that which I truly am. I saw and experienced Love, Presence at first sight for that is where I was coming from as well. You were all my mirror. You helped me grow and attend to those parts of myself I had put away. For that and for showing me how beautiful a soul can be, I will be forever grateful. I love.

One of the emotions I repressed as a child was Anger.

Now, after years of self-healing, every time I feel Past Anger, I invite it in fully. I intend each time to stay awake and aware so that I don’t identify myself with it and end up putting it on other people. Thus when Anger shows up, I say: “Hello, old friend. Welcome. I see you, I feel you, I hear you, you are here and I welcome you fully. What do you want this body to do? What do you want to say? What do you want me to experience? What do I need to learn?”

And I spend time with Past Anger. I breathe into it while either hitting a pillow, running, moving my body in any direction it needs to, yelling, writing every single word that Past Anger has to say for me to acknowledge.

And we are friends, we connect. I love my Past Anger. And I love my Present Anger for it tells me a lot about my boundaries, when anyone disregards them including myself; it tells me when to move on and when to stay.

Present Anger reminds me I want what I did not have as a child: honest relationships with emotionally available human beings who are present, have the capacity and space to listen, go past their stubbornness and ego, love and allow others to love them, be aware of their own needs and boundaries, human beings who want to grow, embrace all of themselves and shed layers, whose words match their actions and if not, be aware that they might have “fallen asleep” and acknowledge their humanness.

Present Anger and Past Anger help me see that, as a child, I did not allow Anger to come up in a way that I could listen to it. I put Anger on everyone else yet did not learn what it came to teach me. I shun Anger by projecting it outward. I know Anger has been waiting for me to allow it to move through and I am deeply grateful that it is.

Life is inviting us to go on a journey within even more now than ever before. It’s an opportunity to heal those parts of ourselves that we exiled for so many years, to listen to each part’s fears and be present with curiosity and compassion.
You are beautiful just the way you are and within you have the courage to go on a healing journey and that is because in the inner world there is a Self, a higher intelligence that can guide each of your part. That Self only needs space to come to surface and you as that Self will know exactly what you need to do to heal.

Our ideas of how a relationship “should” look like run deep in our system. We get them from our parents, our caregivers, those around us throughout our early years. They are not just passed on through sight, emotion, hearing, sensing or experience. They are passed on culturally from generation to generation.
Deep in my system there is the belief that keeps coming back again and again that I cannot have a “proper” relationship, that I am not built for one, that no one wants to stick around cause I am broken, that I do not know how to, that I will “never”. That “never” is the key. That tells me that the story I have made up when I was a child is back again to attempt to prove that it is right. But I have awakened now and I am aware it is just a deep rooted pattern ingraned with familiar emotions that my body and nervous system see as the status quo. I have since disrupted that status quo and created a new balance.
I’ve come to see that I never known what a healthy relationship looks like. I’ve only witnessed traumatic, dysregulated patterns which made up the idea in my system that that is how a relationship “should” look/feel like. I saw abandonment, lack of communication, no boundaries, shut down, lack of growth or intention to stay open to one another, no loving connection, just attempts to change this and that hoping it would work yet knowing it won’t. I saw and experienced failure even before that was even the case.
As a child, I could feel something was wrong, yet I was shun away from the truth. I did not learn to coregulate my emotions, what these intense feelings and sensations were, how to be with them, how to ask for what I needed and believe that I am a worthy human being who deserves honesty, respect, to be cared for and loved, to be guided through each step of life’s challenges.
I saw attempts and failure that ended with no communication, shut down and lack of connection. That was my idea of a relationship and unconsciously I have repeated that pattern again and again for that was the familiar experience I was passed on.
There is no one to blame here. Unconsciousness leads to more of the same. I am stating how energy gets passed and how we all need to wake up before we lose ourselves in disconnection, lack of love or empathy or trust in life.
Knowing that I am worthy of a healthy life partnership is different from experiencing the trust that I already have it and that I just need to be open to experiencing it with someone else.