Until one realizes that emotional stuck energy has a physical impact on the body ( unexplainable/flaring up in a pattern symptoms like chronic pain, belly ache, headaches etc) and experiences the effects of releasing trauma from the body as physical symptoms going away or settling down, one will not know what healing oneself is.
We have been taught to deal with symptoms and patch things up in a lot of cases and we have been taught that whatever is in the past is in the past. Time does not keep the score. The body does. Whatever happened is still there in your body and in your subconscious and it rules you in patterns. Life does not flow. You don’t have many choices but the ones that are given to you by stuck energy. Each relationship will be the same with different people and unconsciously you will create the same scenario where you got stuck in your childhood trauma because that is all that you actually know without realising it.
If you’ve been lied to/left/manipulated/abused by the ones that were supposed to love you or they were emotionally unavailable, you now associate love with dishonesty, abandonment, manipulation, abuse or shut down.
You will either attract those who offer that scenario to replay it or you will create it yourself when the other person doesn’t want to give into that game. And thus there is no growth, there is no real change or real choice until you take the step and heal what is there screaming from the suppression you put on it.
And when someone who sees the pain in you wants to be there for you and love you and hold you, you push them away because that is not the “love” you have been shown thus you cannot accept it. Or worse, you do to them what was done unto you.
Find a trauma therapist, find a somatic experiencing therapist, take the step with the courage that lies within. Holding everything in is not courage, it’s just hiding, remaining a victim of your story only to reenact it again and again. Let yourself be held in your pain. It is possible to heal those childhood wounds. It is possible.