Our ideas of how a relationship “should” look like run deep in our system. We get them from our parents, our caregivers, those around us throughout our early years. They are not just passed on through sight, emotion, hearing, sensing or experience. They are passed on culturally from generation to generation.
Deep in my system there is the belief that keeps coming back again and again that I cannot have a “proper” relationship, that I am not built for one, that no one wants to stick around cause I am broken, that I do not know how to, that I will “never”. That “never” is the key. That tells me that the story I have made up when I was a child is back again to attempt to prove that it is right. But I have awakened now and I am aware it is just a deep rooted pattern ingraned with familiar emotions that my body and nervous system see as the status quo. I have since disrupted that status quo and created a new balance.
I’ve come to see that I never known what a healthy relationship looks like. I’ve only witnessed traumatic, dysregulated patterns which made up the idea in my system that that is how a relationship “should” look/feel like. I saw abandonment, lack of communication, no boundaries, shut down, lack of growth or intention to stay open to one another, no loving connection, just attempts to change this and that hoping it would work yet knowing it won’t. I saw and experienced failure even before that was even the case.
As a child, I could feel something was wrong, yet I was shun away from the truth. I did not learn to coregulate my emotions, what these intense feelings and sensations were, how to be with them, how to ask for what I needed and believe that I am a worthy human being who deserves honesty, respect, to be cared for and loved, to be guided through each step of life’s challenges.
I saw attempts and failure that ended with no communication, shut down and lack of connection. That was my idea of a relationship and unconsciously I have repeated that pattern again and again for that was the familiar experience I was passed on.
There is no one to blame here. Unconsciousness leads to more of the same. I am stating how energy gets passed and how we all need to wake up before we lose ourselves in disconnection, lack of love or empathy or trust in life.
Knowing that I am worthy of a healthy life partnership is different from experiencing the trust that I already have it and that I just need to be open to experiencing it with someone else.