Today in the EMDR session I spat out my mom’s cancer. I know, it sounds dramatic. It’s just energy. I was holding onto it, making it a part of me for years.

After 4 days on a transformational retreat, so much space was created that a deep foundational layer of Laura’s being came up. That ball of iron energy had come right under the surface and was disconnecting me from everything. I didn’t know what it was. I just was aware, after years of transformational work, that it was big if it had such a strong effect.

One week into my disconnection and what showed up was the deeply painful experience of little Laura who did not feel wanted by her mom. It was very hard to be with and hold that in love and compassion. It went as slowly as it came, throughout my body which moved in all directions to let that primal pain come out.

Week two and the EMDR journey started with my eyes closed and seeing myself as a baby in the womb, panicking, crying, wanting to get out and not being able to breathe. I was taken out and put into a black void where my body disconnected and I was floating in a deep sea with my head going in and out of the water. I was taken on an island and connected to a body, curled up in fetus position and cried my anger and helplessness out. I felt I was all the ages from day 0 to 32 years old. I was held in that process as baby and older Laura at the same time. I was held for that was what I needed.

I fell from that place onto Earth feeling the grass, the ground and then the chest pain started. Knives were going in and out until all that energy build up into a heavy iron ball. I don’t know how cats get their fur balls out but this one took a while and was painful. Remember. It was all energy that was blocking my heart centre and ability to be in the world as a connected being.

In the process, I knew it was my mom’s cancer coming out. I had integrated it into my being so deep down that I wasn’t aware of it. It took me 3.5 years of daily healing work to get to that layer. Such a journey. I am grateful I got this far and thank my energy body for guiding me.

The ball came out and rushing in came Earth energy regenerating and flushing out all the “wounded” corners that the iron ball touched. . . I feel refreshed. I feel lighter. I feel connected to nature and everything again. Transformation + EMDR complement each other very well in my case.