Who speaks of the one who dreams of wolves

Running, shattering the eyes of others who cannot see?

The truth scares even the smallest child of nature.When will we dream of beauty and joy wrapped around our fingers? 

To give, to burden others’ hearts with immense gratitude?

Who will dance among the angels flying without wings

Spreading kisses on foreheads beyond your wildest dreams?

We urge the other to breathe with us knowing their tongue is tight,

Their cheeks are yet to blossom,The sky beneath their feet is yet to crumble.

We speak, we whisper, we discuss Mother Nature as if she allowed us to;

As if we are masters of a world shattered beyond repair.

Who do you follow inside your cage this time, my love?

What God forsaken screaming child is running through your veins

To whom you haven’t said a word since being born?

You closed your soul even to your own heart and expect the world to give you everything

?No, my darling.You shall comfort that child as if your own

Offer warmth and seeing, understanding and touch

For that is who is knocking on your door each time a dream passes through and you forget.

Slice the bread for each visitor, as harmful as they might seem.

Your house is yours and they come to speak of tales;

Tales beyond the field outside, underneath the Earth.

Open your arms with joy and love,

See them all yearn for more,

More of you as you are them

And they forever love your soul. 

You spare the drama into the living room,
Let it rest and peacefully fall asleep
For nothing can grow when its power is heavy
Nothing bears fruit when God loses the sun.

Sink into nothingness and push the pillows down
At the bottom of the Earth to hold each thought;
Carve the notion of waves into your eyes
Above shallow spots that bleed it all out.

Shake the sin off your new shirt,
Spill the glass of empty promises
Shift your sight below and around,
Catch the light out of nothingness.

You are loved, my dear, for you are here;
You are held, my dear, for space speaks in truths;
Your sins, my dear, are just words on a wall
For the way you see is through your blind unclarity.

Crop the photo and expand the edges,
Let the wind drag them all around
Until the stretch is securely wrapped around you
To hold you, my dear, like no one has.

Try and try and try once more as now,
The well is still empty from yesterday’s swim,
The water gave up on rising towards the moon
You can only dig it out if you must.

Befriending the sea will push the spark inside,
Shadowing the trees will give you warmth
And inside, my dear, the fire rises
In front of those who wonder, portraying you and us.

Shake the mud, scream the pain,
Love the arms, break your name,
Rebuild the well on solid ground
For this desert has lost its soul.

I carve names on my skin with pencils
They write nothing I can witness
The ceiling falls down in slow motion,
Air and water meet once more.

And they shy away to let us soften,
Connect to God within and tell
The story we keep forgetting
Of who we are in the midst of the storm.
The storm is there.

When Mother Earth calls,
You need to go
And show her your heart;
Spill it on what needs healing,
Plant the seeds, run with the rivers,
Cross the mountains and don’t look back.

Sing her song to reach the Heavens
Sing it softly to pierce the ground
And shed your skin, forever melting
Let the truth unveil deep down.

Just close your eyes for, thus, they open
To the world that is in your heart.
So, you move beneath the surface;
Life is flowing through each sound.

And one day I stopped talking
I spoke no words, I heard no words,
I wrote no words.
Thought stopped thinking,
It said nothing for months, felt nothing for years
And forcefully described the world as blunt.

The contradiction of realities.
The one that does not exist;
The one that is more real than any other
And all the rest in between.
They cut slices of meat,
Roll them over and build another man
Who says nothing, hears nothing,
Feels nothing.
They stay in between spaces of time
To pour their souls into the abyss
Feeding hungry ghosts trapped in mourning
For they cannot be like us.

Yet we don’t want to be like us,
So, they choose our steps
And ask to be fed
Thinking we’ll forever do nothing
Say nothing, feel nothing
Through deserts of realities
That have nothing to offer
For souls are sent down the hole into the abyss.

The thing about inner pain is that, for the mind, it is hard to comprehend if it cannot be seen and dealt with like a physical pain.That is why, from the mind’s point of view, there are two choices: either numb it with drugs, alcohol, sex etc. or create a physical pain which then makes sense and could have a “solution”. The thing about inner pain is that it requires something that the mind cannot give. It requires the Being, not the physical human, to be present with it, to hold it, to acknowledge it and to let the experience, the emotion, the feeling, the…call it as you may… come, destroy what it needs to destroy and go. Destruction, maintenance and creation. That is the constant cycle of everything inner and outer. If we are stuck in one of those “stages”, life does not flow anymore and nothing new can show up.

I am the embodiment of loneliness today

It seeps through my cells like sand through waves of nothingness

There is nothing to do, nothing to say to it

Loneliness came to soothe my soul

Like a pavement on earth

Which nature dissolves in time

All in time, for it is in time

I am not

I am .

The eye of the storm is where I am

Slowly touching the permeable walls of loneliness

Fingers sparkle like fireflies in the night sky

Like meteors about to disappear in the void

And the world feels beyond, though the world feels within

I am in the eye of the storm, nothing to do, nothing to say

Breathing in the fresh and ancient breeze of loneliness

Penetrating all my cells like a welcomed guest

Who am I to deny its presence?

For even without me, it swirls and swings underneath, above and within

Like a sound moving left to right wanting to be heard, seen and touched

And who am I to deny its flavoursome and tender, warm embrace?

“I love you behind closed doors

I love you when you open them

I love you.

That’s why I came”, loneliness whispers with a gentle smile on its face.

“Welcome my friend”

And so we stay together until we depart, for all come and go,

Pick me up and put me down

Transformed yet again.

I was putting up some photos on a wall and one of them suddenly fell down on a hard surface and made a loud noise as the glass broke. I got triggered. My heart centre suddenly closed and lost connection with my body. I could still function yet I saw my energy body having “left” and complete Shutdown tried to set in. I have had enough triggers in the past to now be able to be present to what was happening and not let myself be completely lost in it.

Phase one: Went home and let it out. The scenario triggered was Little Laura crying while being beaten by her grandma, saying “Why are you beating me? Please don’t. Why are you? Why?”. There was desperation in the process.

Phase two during guided meditation: gave my body, which was still felt as little Laura, what I needed and did not get as a child: affection and put my hands around as if embracing myself. I felt someone’s energy there constantly saying “I love you Laura. I love you so much” (this usually shows up in my mind’s eye as someone I was in a relationship with who held a big space for me at important steps during my transformational journey. She appears because, through her, I have been mirroring back Love since meeting).

Phase three: “That was so hard. That was so hard”. Here I acknowledged how hard it was to have been through that as a child and that it really happened. I validated the experience, the sensations, the emotions.

Phase four: body muscles tight, body moving everywhere as stuck energy gets released from my nervous system.

Trauma is very much in the body.

Aftermath: My heart centre is very raw. My body is now tired, calm and I can breathe. I am now connected once again with the present moment. I feel grateful for having had that trigger for it showed me where I still needed to heal. I am grateful for all the times I had lost myself in a trigger for, with each happening, I got closer to giving space to my experience without judgement or concern. All of them allowed me to now go through what I needed to go through and complete the event from my childhood.

Today in the EMDR session I spat out my mom’s cancer. I know, it sounds dramatic. It’s just energy. I was holding onto it, making it a part of me for years.

After 4 days on a transformational retreat, so much space was created that a deep foundational layer of Laura’s being came up. That ball of iron energy had come right under the surface and was disconnecting me from everything. I didn’t know what it was. I just was aware, after years of transformational work, that it was big if it had such a strong effect.

One week into my disconnection and what showed up was the deeply painful experience of little Laura who did not feel wanted by her mom. It was very hard to be with and hold that in love and compassion. It went as slowly as it came, throughout my body which moved in all directions to let that primal pain come out.

Week two and the EMDR journey started with my eyes closed and seeing myself as a baby in the womb, panicking, crying, wanting to get out and not being able to breathe. I was taken out and put into a black void where my body disconnected and I was floating in a deep sea with my head going in and out of the water. I was taken on an island and connected to a body, curled up in fetus position and cried my anger and helplessness out. I felt I was all the ages from day 0 to 32 years old. I was held in that process as baby and older Laura at the same time. I was held for that was what I needed.

I fell from that place onto Earth feeling the grass, the ground and then the chest pain started. Knives were going in and out until all that energy build up into a heavy iron ball. I don’t know how cats get their fur balls out but this one took a while and was painful. Remember. It was all energy that was blocking my heart centre and ability to be in the world as a connected being.

In the process, I knew it was my mom’s cancer coming out. I had integrated it into my being so deep down that I wasn’t aware of it. It took me 3.5 years of daily healing work to get to that layer. Such a journey. I am grateful I got this far and thank my energy body for guiding me.

The ball came out and rushing in came Earth energy regenerating and flushing out all the “wounded” corners that the iron ball touched. . . I feel refreshed. I feel lighter. I feel connected to nature and everything again. Transformation + EMDR complement each other very well in my case.

For most of the people around me who are also on a healing journey, what I am about to say is known and worked with. For the rest, I hope this aids in your own journey.

I am watching the series Once Upon a Time and I have just started Season 2. I am watching myself support the Evil Queen just like I did with all those I had been in a romantic relationship with, especially the ones whose pattern was shut down and being emotionally unavailable just like the Queen.

I see myself cheering for that inner vulnerability, inner “goodness”, faith, love, compassion and gratitude to show up and survive in the present and overcome the shutdown unavailable character that the Evil Queen shows up as. I cheer for the possibility, that wonderful possibility that would make me like the Queen more and bring some flow into this “relationship”.

Being in the category of “empaths”, I can see the other’s possibility, the bigger self, the present one, the one that can be without stories, just love. And that’s what I had been doing for a long time. I refused to see the reality in front of me no matter how many times the Universe sent me proofs and kept believing “something will change”.

We can all be trapped into that illusion and Hollywood keeps pushing it upon us again and again. Supporting someone to become the best version of themselves does not imply sacrificing myself for that story has run its course. It has to end. Just because I can see how big one can become, does not mean the other can or is willing to commit to that. I cannot play that game anymore. It ends here and now.

I welcome those who are committed to presence, love, gratitude, compassion, serving others, themselves and the world. I welcome those who are courageous to dive deep into the abandoned selves, the exiles, the demons and connect, acknowledge, hear, see, sense and be with them. I welcome those up for being of service, grounded and clear minded. I welcome those who see their humanity and take responsibility for who they are, for who they show up as. I welcome those who see fear as what it is, who see layers have to be shed, who are aware of the joy, beauty and immense power that is within us all.

I welcome you and I am grateful for those who are yet not up for presence and transformation as they can show me what else I have left to heal. Thank you for existing.