One of the most difficult things I encounter is people not taking responsibility for their part in events.
The ego comes in and starts blaming, inventing a story that does not allow the person to see the real facts of an event.
Yet when it is presented with those true facts, it goes into numbness, disassociation, more blaming and victimising themselves so that their ego strenghtens and keeps them in their story as a victim.
It’s painful at times to see that entrapment for I have been there once, all blind to everything.
Connection dies right then and there without the intention to come out of the story. Intention comes when you can see yourself in the story, recognise that you are not present.
And for that, one requires the experiential reference point of being present, not just a notion, to which one can come back again and again.

The experience of loving someone even if life doesn’t keep us together in any way. The experience of holding them in my heart with love and compassion even if they are gone, even if they wronged me and I them, even if their behaviour hurt me and mine hurt them. The experience of loving them with my whole being and, at the same time letting them go, moving on with what life has in store for me. The experience of opening up even more, loving more, forgiving ourselves, saying yes to learning and growing. I choose that. I choose it all again and again and if I find that I lose myself in the story, I trust I will come back to this place of Being for this is where true power, energy and Life lay. And I am deeply grateful for all the hard, dreadful, full of mistakes moments I went through. Those made and make me again and again to become more aware, awake, conscious and choose intention, presence and healing over distructive patterns, disconnection and victimisation.

When someone you love decides they don’t want to be part of your life anymore and a sudden Goodbye forever takes place, it hurts, it spins the soul and heart round and round. It makes the mind chatter consistently. You miss them, you feel sadness and anger and pain. You go through cycles of presence and conditional patterns.
And you either shut down or open up to the world even more. That is a choice.
The mind might not get to understand why in a world where at any point in time we might die, we cut each other into pieces because we are human beings, because even though at the core our intention is not to hurt each other, we do. And we do again and again because we fear, we have been abused, bullied, abandoned and left to deal with life at an early age. And we are human beings, we shift, we learn, we grow if we decide that we want to. We grow all those parts of us that need to, that are frozen in time, we heal.
If I can leave the story aside and feel the immense love for those who decided to say Goodbye forever ( I would say until the next life), then so can others. And you feel all the rollercoaster of emotions and not react. No reaction or action is needed. You let the fantasies that grabbed you as a child, that the loved ones will come back with open arms because they see you as a human with flaws, they see you as a growing human with possibilities as infinite as the Universe, they see you and love you. They love you because the story matters only for the ego, the story teaches us and we learn together, in relationship.
So let the sadness be, let the missing flow and let the childlike fantasy that they will return dissipate and see what the Universe has in store for you.

Anxiety keeps showing up for me as a big wolf circling around me about to bite at any point in time.
I sit myself down to meditate and close my eyes and there it is. It looks at me with its big eyes, drooling sharp teeth, black body like a dark smoke surrounding everything. My body shivers with dread and terror, my breath shallows, I cry and I can’t ask for help right then and there.
But I get up and start walking. And another day passes, I wake up and my throat is tightening, my chest feels hit by a hammer again and again, I feel dizzy and my heartbeat is having a party on its own with very loud music which in my head are translated as: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa someone get me out of here.
I am aware I am not dying and the experience has a name. For the past few days this wolf keeps coming back to remind me that it is just behind me and at the same time, there is a part of me that reminds me also: “just hold on. It will pass. You’ll find your way. Hold on and you will find me.”. I don’t know who that “me” is but I hold on.

What can you do?
What..is it…that you can do?

You can wrap me up in stitches
Shatter the stones around my wounds
Let them bleed for they are no infinite fountain
They drain, they rebuild, they let sunshine heal with light and heat.
First, they gotta bleed, bleed in space
When no one’s around but bodies full of love
Bleed to reach the bottom
Where it’s all upside down and ancestors yell.

So what can you do?
Sheep the herd into grey woods from above
Sink the vessels into oceans of mud
Scatter fireflies through Hell in Paradise
Push the soul into time and space
Open the wounds of fears and laugh at their size.
From above.
Do it from above with your hands free to hold.

What can you do?
Blow up the ocean in the heart and share the pain.

The little girl in the story was meant to lose her idea of family again and again throughout her life. She was meant to dismantle the concept she got from others and society of what a family looks like, behaves and shows up like. Her idea that when she is part of a family, she is part of a bigger community that takes care of their members when they are not alright and might need a push even when they don’t know that; her idea that there is this cosy safe and warm feeling inside that “it” gives her just because her story says “you did it. You are part of this family”; her idea that family “should” be there always and not just disappear from one day to another like her mom did. Yes. She was meant to “be a part of” and “lose” families throughout her life so she could heal that primal wound. With each relationship she got into, she gave herself the drug of the “family” that came with and with each dismantling of those relationships, she went into “withdrawal”. Little by little she knew the drill, she “got used to it” yet that first wound is still bleeding all over the present moment. She can see it as an adult as part of her story, pattern that keeps coming up just not healed yet. And it’s all in her head, made up story that comes along with feelings. It’s not real. It will not be real until that first wound gets healed, then whatever the image of family comes along as, she will know it’s not a thing to be gained and then lost, it’s just unconditional love for the other and oneself.

Until one realizes that emotional stuck energy has a physical impact on the body ( unexplainable/flaring up in a pattern symptoms like chronic pain, belly ache, headaches etc) and experiences the effects of releasing trauma from the body as physical symptoms going away or settling down, one will not know what healing oneself is.
We have been taught to deal with symptoms and patch things up in a lot of cases and we have been taught that whatever is in the past is in the past. Time does not keep the score. The body does. Whatever happened is still there in your body and in your subconscious and it rules you in patterns. Life does not flow. You don’t have many choices but the ones that are given to you by stuck energy. Each relationship will be the same with different people and unconsciously you will create the same scenario where you got stuck in your childhood trauma because that is all that you actually know without realising it.
If you’ve been lied to/left/manipulated/abused by the ones that were supposed to love you or they were emotionally unavailable, you now associate love with dishonesty, abandonment, manipulation, abuse or shut down.
You will either attract those who offer that scenario to replay it or you will create it yourself when the other person doesn’t want to give into that game. And thus there is no growth, there is no real change or real choice until you take the step and heal what is there screaming from the suppression you put on it.
And when someone who sees the pain in you wants to be there for you and love you and hold you, you push them away because that is not the “love” you have been shown thus you cannot accept it. Or worse, you do to them what was done unto you.
Find a trauma therapist, find a somatic experiencing therapist, take the step with the courage that lies within. Holding everything in is not courage, it’s just hiding, remaining a victim of your story only to reenact it again and again. Let yourself be held in your pain. It is possible to heal those childhood wounds. It is possible.

I can’t do the work for you.
You have to do it for yourself.
It is your own calling to heal and grow that will urge you to, if you listen to it, pick up that book, face those fears, ask for guidance, heal those childhood wounds so that you can free yourself of the past and come and live in the present.
Here and Now.
I can only be here as a support when the light cracks into the darkness and you decide to take that brave step.